One of my best-est friends just confided in me that she’s pregnant. Hurray! I’m so excited for her. We’ll be pregnant together. Our kids will be months apart. Our friendship will take on more meaning. And all kinds of other cheesy stuff.
And then I thought…. uh-oh. It’s too late for her. Too late for her to have the important spousal conversations that I forgot to have with my husband before getting pregnant. She’s been with me through thick and thin, and knows a lot of the drama I went through when having my first-born. But, did she take a mental note of where I went wrong so she could start out on a better foot?
Well, it may be too late for my friend, but I be able may save some of you some grief. So to anyone considering bringing a little bundle of (pooping, crying, sleep-depriving) joy into their homes, this one’s for you. In no particular order, these are a few conversations you may want to have with your spouse before testing out his swimmers…
1. Discuss how child-care will be handled: will one parent take a few years off of work to raise the baby? Is day-care your option? Can you afford a nanny? Do you both value having a parent stay home to raise a baby or do you value maintaining a quality of life and keeping on a career path? How will you handle health insurance? Both decisions have ups and downs, and discussing this before getting knocked up will make it easier for both of you to have a rational conversation.
2. Figure out how you both feel about circumcision. You have a 50% chance of having a boy. If you’re me, it’s a guarantee. (Word to the wise – never vow to leave boy-babies on the hillside or karma will come back to bite you.) You may think you know how your partner feels about this issue, but it doesn’t hurt to discuss this in advance. Once you find out you are having a boy, this will become a much more heated and emotional debate if you and your partner disagree. Better to work this out beforehand.
3. Have a conversation about breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is the hot topic in parenting these days. Back in our parents day, the big deal was whether or not you were woman enough to manage delivery without an epidural. Um, I’m not. These days, it’s whether or not you’re woman enough to breastfeed your baby into adulthood. Ok, just kidding. Kind of. Doctors, nurses, friends, in-laws and strangers will all feel compelled to share their beliefs when it comes to breastfeeding. So, whether you are pro-breastfeeding, pro-see-what-works, pro-pumping, or pro-formula, it’s important to make sure that your baby-daddy is going to back you up. There’s nothing more emotional than the first few days after bringing baby home. Make it easy on yourself by discussing with your partner in advance how you expect him to support you both emotionally and physically when it comes to feeding.
4. Air out some name ideas. Did your husband always want to name his daughter after his Grandma Maude that recently passed? Does your husband hate the maiden name that you envisioned passing on to your first-born? If you are passionate about a name choice or fear a name choice that your spouse holds dear, better to negotiate these details way in advance.
Perhaps this information is getting to you a little too late, and like my friend you’ve got your bun in the oven. Here’s my suggestion: If you feel like discordance is in the air, wait. Wait until the delivery room. When after hours of hard work (and likely a little bit of blood, sweat and tears), hubby will feel so relieved to have the drama of childbirth over, he’ll be willing to concede to whatever your momma-heart desires. Trust me.
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