Top 5 Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Parent

**A HILARIOUS Top Five List from Heather C.**

1. Put my kids on the phone – Have you ever been on the receiving end of the line while a two-year-old drools and says nothing? It’s uncomfortable, especially if you don’t have kids. I never know what to say. So I just defer to my sing-songy voice and say things like “HI-EEE!” Nothing. “What are you DOOOO-ING?” No response. “You’re such a CUUUU-TIE! YEAH!” Um, what next. “Do you like ELLLLMO?” No response.

I’m wondering if the mom is listening and I just want to say, “OK, put Mommy back on the phone.” But that feels rude. So I endure a few seconds of silence wondering if Mommy thinks I’m terrible with her kid. Then I muster up a big smile and get ready for round two of cutesy-wootsy things to say. “SOOOOO….Um…”Finally, Mommy gets back on the phone and I breathe an audible sigh of relief that the misery is over. Don’t get me wrong, your kid is super-cute and I like looking at her and hanging out with her, but I do not like one-sided phone conversations with a two-year-old who doesn’t respond. It makes me feel incompetent when I can’t get your kid to speak.

That was the old me. Before I had kids. I can channel her quite easily when it comes to remembering this sort of thing. But, now that I’m a mom, I can’t help myself. “Want to talk to Aiden?” I don’t even wait for a response. I beam with pride as I shove the phone at my eighteen-month-old who doesn’t even know who’s on the other end. Then, I quickly run into the other room and start to unload the dishwasher. I can vaguely hear the person on the other end coo, “HI – EEEE!” And I can only imagine that they must be thinking he’s a cute as I think he is. Right?

2. Wipe my kids’ faces without using a tissue – Before having kids, I had seen other parents casually wipe gobs of chewed-up, who-knows-what from their faces, and lick it like it was no big deal. It was beyond my understanding, and frankly, it repulsed me. Then, just the other day, I was at a play date, and a fellow mom friend asked me if I needed a napkin. I looked at her with confusion. “No, I’m good.” Then I started to wonder why she would ask me this.

It slowly dawned on me – I had just wiped my son’s green mucous- filled nose with my hand and didn’t bat an eyelash. To be honest, I don’t even know where it ended up. Was it on my jeans? My shirt? My other hand? Then I realized, I didn’t care and I snagged some deliciously-regurgitated chocolate chip cookie from my son’s mouth. Those calories don’t count, do they?

3. Bribe my kids – I was going to be an old-school parent. I would never, ever bribe them, especially not with food. If I asked my children to do something, they were going to do it because they respected me. And if they didn’t do it, there would be consequences. That didn’t quite go as planned. Since then, I’ve threatened, yelled, cried, begged, ignored and given in. And then I tried M&Ms. Suffice it to say, life got a whole lot better.

4. Drink my own breastmilk – Just by putting it on this list, you know I’ve done it by now, don’t you? Hey, don’t judge. Curiosity got the best of me. If my baby is going to drink this stuff, then I’m going to try it. Baby beef stew in a jar? Not a chance. Breastmilk? Yep. And actually, it’s not half-bad. Pretty sweet, and way better than formula.

5. Drive a minivan – No way, not me, not ever. There are SUV’s and crossovers for when you have multiple children. I was going to maintain my dignity, my identity, my hipness. And then I discovered the minivan’s remote-controlled doors. And the fact that they’re so low to the ground that your kids can climb in before they’re two years old. And the dual-screen DVD player! The better gas mileage! The list goes on. I’m drooling just picturing myself in my dream car – a brand new, fully-loaded… Honda Odyssey. With my favorite bumper sticker of all time: “I used to be cool.”

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What did you swear you’d never do prior to becoming a parent? Please share!