The breastfeeding “psychos” had gotten to me, and I set out on my motherhood journey determined to breastfeed my children for a respectable amount of time. It sounded like a no-brainer – it was great for my baby, I would burn more calories, and I would save tons of money on formula. Translation – I’d have a happy, perfect, baby, a super-skinny bod, and tons of extra cash. Currently, I’m 0 for 3.
Breastfeeding didn’t prove to be nearly as easy as I thought it would be, and for reasons including multiple bouts of mastitis and bleeding in places that shouldn’t ever bleed, I ended up using my trusty pump. A lot. As a result, I pumped in places I never thought I’d pump:
1. The Best Buy control room – I literally couldn’t wait one more minute (read: major leaking) for the Geek Squad to fix my darn computer, and I was not about to drag us all to the store again. I asked someone if there was a private place I could nurse, and a manager handed me the keys to the control room where my kids could run a muck while I whipped out my girls and pumped away.
2. In a tiny public restroom stall at a bar – There were only two stalls in this particular restroom, and yes, I created a line as I hogged one of the stalls for 20 minutes. Customers were not happy but I was past the point of no return. Multiple people were asking, “What’s that sound?” I remained silent until I heard one woman holler, “I know what you’re doing in there, and good for you!” Thanks, I needed that.
3. On I-85 while my husband was driving – It seemed convenient enough, until I realized that truck drivers ride a lot higher up than minivan passengers.
4. On an airplane – My apologies to the girl in 16C for potentially scarring your teenage mind for life. Consider it free birth control from me to you.
5. Standing in a coat closet at a wedding, glass of wine in-hand – This was a pump and dump. It pains me to think of pouring that liquid gold down the drain, but it was for a good cause. Mommy needed a nice buzz to escape my current reality, and I had free transportation back to my hotel. I did get a few “Nice backpack!” comments as I toted my pump around in my fancy dress and heels. Cute clutches are overrated.
While I mostly enjoyed breastfeeding, I’m glad my pumping days are over. For a while, my husband couldn’t sleep without the sound of my pump in the background. Now, all I have left are the memories. Oh, and a post-nursing body that left everything just a few inches lower.
**A major thank you to Heather for this post! As a mom that was attached to her pump ever two hours with my first born, I can totally relate. It’s a humbling experience, but it sure is nice to laugh about it after the fact!
Have you pumped in a weird place? If so, please share! We could all use a little chuckle today!**