A post from Noelle O., our CMF Lifestyle Coach:
Just about every minute of every day you hear voices inside your head – we all do. No mind is immune to the constant inner chatter that narrates and critiques our every experience. The reason I say voices instead of self-talk is because there often seems to be more than one voice talking.
If you’re not sure what I mean, consider the last time you exercised your willpower. Maybe you pulled the ice cream out of the freezer and a voice said something like, “I really shouldn’t have any. I had that mocha latte this morning,” and another voice retorted with something like, “Yeah, but I burned a ton of calories swimming with the kids this morning. I deserve a treat.” You probably stood there paralyzed, the carton of ice cream melting in your hand, waiting for the voices to duke it out. It really can feel like there’s an angel whispering in one ear and a devil in the other.
For most of us, these voices are a constant presence. They provide a running commentary on our moment to moment experience: “Crap. Where did I park the car?” They also analyze past events and interactions: “He seemed distant. Was he upset with me?” They obsessively plan and add items to our mental To Do list: “I’ve got to get the house cleaned before the in-laws come.” And they critique everything and everyone we encounter: “Her kids are a nightmare. She’s must be a permissive parent.” What’s impressive, is that all of these things can be going on in our heads simultaneously.
A good deal of the time, the voices are turned inward, judging us. And they aren’t always kind. They can be pessimistic, self-deprecating and down-right cruel: “I’ll never lose this baby weight. I hate my body.”, “Why did I just say that? She must think I’m an idiot.”, “Those other moms have it all together. What’s wrong with me?”
No matter how much we achieve or how many positive affirmations we say in the mirror, these inner saboteurs are always there waiting to tear us down and convince us that we are somehow not enough. They are the reason why so many people live lives of quiet desperation. Our inner voices have the power to shape our perception of the world and more importantly, our self-concept. In a real sense, they create our reality. We believe the voices. We look for evidence that supports the stories the voices tell us and we take action as if the stories are true.
Our life is in essence a self-fulfilled prophecy.
So what are these voices? Psychologists have discovered parts of the brain that are responsible for regulating certain tasks or assignments beneath the awareness of the conscious mind. In other words, if you tell your brain, “Don’t think about ice cream,” this assignment is logged somewhere in the brain and every few minutes the subconscious brain checks to see that you aren’t thinking about ice cream (which of course you now are.) So the question is, what assignments have you given yourself?
Humans, especially women, are highly social creatures and have a primal need for belonging and acceptance. Couple this with a culture that encourages girls to be pleasers and you have your answer. As a child, you told your mind, “I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to think or speak badly of me. I want everything I do or say to be pleasing and acceptable to everyone. I don’t want anyone to hurt me. And I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like.” And then you said, “Mind, go make these things a reality even if you have to think about it night and day.” And your mind was on the job.
As you got older, you started getting more specific with your assignments. I want to be thin and beautiful. I want to earn a lot of money. I want a perfect home. I want a perfect marriage. I want to be a perfect mother. And I want to do all of this without ever being uncomfortable. Obviously, many of your wants are in direct conflict with many of your other wants and your poor brain is desperately trying to keep up. It’s enough to make any mind feel a little crazy.
So how do you quiet the voices?
The first step is simply to listen to them. Spend a few minutes tuning in to the mental chatter. If you’re thinking I’m crazy or that you don’t hear anything…that’s a voice! If you’re really curious, spend a few minutes actually writing your thoughts down. Once you get the hang of it, I guarantee that your hand will not be able to keep up.
As you start to be more aware of what’s going on in your mind, you will begin to see patterns in your thinking; you will begin to see the stories you’ve been telling yourself and how they are effecting your reality. You’ll get a feel for how much energy you’re wasting ruminating on past events you have no control over or planning for a future that will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind has to say about it.
When you hear self-judgment, remember that negative thoughts are your brain’s backward way of trying to help you accomplish your desires. If a voice says, “I’m so lazy,” it’s the brain’s attempt to motivate you into action. Write down the negative thoughts and start by looking for some grain of truth in them. Maybe you are letting yourself off the hook too often. Then consider whether the voice is being overly negative and pessimistic.
Now that you’re listening inside, start to really consider what assignments you’ve given your mind throughout your life. Who are you still trying to please? Spend some time reflecting on what is really important to you. What must you achieve or experience before you leave this earth? Put your mind’s focus here.
When the voices return to their old patterns and self-limiting beliefs, remind yourself of what you (the adult You) really desires and turn the volume down on the unnecessary noise.
Noelle Ostroff is mother to two spirited kids and the founder of the Mommy Coach ~ life coaching just for moms. Check out her website www.themommycoach.net or follow her on twitter @noelleostroff and facebook @ themommycoach.
Have a comment or question for Noelle? She’ll be checking our comments and will answer any questions you have!
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