The most recent school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut has caused a large wound in our national sense of safety and security. For many days now it had been hard for me to accept that this has happened because it is so atrocious and violent. Twenty innocent children and six dedicated school professionals are dead, along with the perpetrator’s loving mother, and we will probably never know the complete story or the basis for this heinous crime. This throws our cause and effort, rational world completely out of whack.
Each person’s grief process will be unique, but I find myself looking for hope and ways to enact change in the aftermath of this awful tragedy to move beyond the crisis. I have two dreams here. One is that we can somehow make some kind of lasting change to slow the rate of these events from happening. Each tragedy affects countless families and has reverberating effects for generations. Can we, as a nation, move from the initial steps of feeling and debate, to the next phase of action and motion? And second, and this is a big wish, is that I would like my children to live in a world that is slightly less violent than the one we are experiencing today.
We care deeply about children and families in this country and what is happening is something very normal. Passionate people are quickly joining the debate and reflexively picking the well-worn and polarized sides of a rehearsed debate. Just like a married couple, each entrenched position spouts off their rehearsed responses. They don’t even need to listen to the other’s position or concerns. You almost know what the other side is going to say as they have heard it hundreds or thousands of times before. You can hear their voice in your head and know what they are going to say even before they open their mouth. Once again, complete deadlock ensures and both parties storm to their side online casino australia of the house to lick their wounds. And once again, we have deadlock and nothing changes as each side recharges for the next episode. It is an endless positive feedback loop of more, more, more. And surely there will be a next episode because nothing was resolved and nothing was changed.
In addition, this multi-level crisis is also about our core identity as a nation. Whenever the constitution is brought into the fray, you know the national character is being called into question. But, haven’t we learned a few things about nonviolent conflict Request the children where they obtain online casino games and they'll demonstrate the Application Store. resolution since 1776? This also happens naturally with any gigantic, human problem. Like a high beam, all issues hone down to just one thing.
How do we tone down the activated emotions, just a little, to let complexity and reason enter the discussion? Notice that I said discussion, not debate. Debates have winners and losers, and discussions can be much more fruitful with each person feeling a benefit. How do we get this engaged but deadlocked couple to relax so listening and empathy can happen?
First, it may be helpful to point out that it is not about winning or competition. This is not a battle; it is a discussion and a relationship that involves completely different rules and guidelines. Also, no person thinks or talks well when they are feeling strongly emotional. So starting at some level of agreement or calm and learning some self-soothing techniques along the way is casinonted.info extremely helpful. A slow and purposeful language shift away from any adversarial words that invoke strong feelings can take place (important notice: this is the opposite of what generally happens in the press as some use feelings and strong vocabulary to encourage engagement).
My suggestions for nonviolent or “fair” fighting involve four straightforward issues. The number one pillar is no hurting, and it is important to point out that one can hurt physically or with words. Slowly empathy can seep in if one stays away from direct criticism, character annihilation, or areas of previous hurt.
Pillar number two is about listening openly and quietly so all perspectives can be expressed and heard. This nonreactive skill takes practice and many times old patterns of interaction must be unlearned to get to a new level of respect.
The first two pillars can be supported by the learned habit of providing balanced feedback. Whether you are discussing some behavior you don’t care for or an important issue, both positive and negative feedback may convey appreciation for one’s use of trial and error to make the relationship work.
And lastly, staying in the conversation and working toward an end, conclusion or action is the final step. Many times in relationships there is only one choice here. Though one can agree to have two choices when it comes to opinions or beliefs, when it comes to action there is only one way to go. Trying to stay on topic just long enough that both sides feel that their thoughts and feelings have been heard and that some negotiation or agreement has been reached can bring about the all important sense of resolution and closure. The system can adjust and prepare for the next challenge that comes along, rather than staying deadlocked and in limbo perpetually.
One thing that is amazing, at least in my office, is how quickly change occurs when the pattern is pointed out and the emotions are openly articulated, discussed and validated. If each side’s experience is given validity and a voice, gradually softening can occur.
This does start and end with families, as one’s ability to endure and manage conflict (a normal part of every system) is a golden egg hatched early in one’s family and on the elementary school playground. One can start slowly and gradually, one family and one discussion at a time, to grow a more peaceful and respectful culture.
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