By Guest Blogger Abbie Gale
Because every mom could use a dose of Mommy Humor!
If you give my son a gift like this on his birthday he will think you are a…ROCK STAR! I will be asking myself what the heck I ever did to you to deserve you giving my son this “evil doing” machine.
Don’t make me mad, or else I will be buying one for your kid this Christmas!
You, too, can buy a terrorist candy machine. It is perfect for the kid who has parents you hate. Don’t be fooled. It just looks all “nice” and “fun.” It is not.
Look at the speed in which it shows the candy coming out.
Now picture three little boys gathered around and their (sarcastically said) “impeccable timing” and you can just imagine the “hit rate”for the CRACK candy making it into closed hands.
I keep picking the stinkin’ thing up to put it away (like off kitchen table or front porch or couch…) and the stupid thing shoots hard candy across the room as I’m holding it and as I try to turn it off I cause the motion sensors to shoot more!
It was just sitting on my kitchen counter, all alone and childless. It was looking sad without having a child gazing upon it smiling. It needed to fulfill its destiny. It needed to make cavities, jack children up on sugar, and shoot sticky things across my floor to attract bugs.
I think “it” was just looking for an excuse to mess with me. All it took was some sunshine hitting the motion sensor to invite me to one of its “candy parties.” It just began spewing jelly beans.
They were skipping across the countertops like Mexican jumping beans and then hitting the hard floor and rolling and bouncing everywhere. It was all “Christine” the car from that scary movie excpet it is a possessed candy dish.
This is what the terrorists are making now to mess with us. It is a subtle plot. They have gotten a bit passive aggressive.
I told my kids the candy dispenser has been recalled for impregnating candy with lead. I also told them parents have been advised to throw it away and have children scrub their mouths with toothpaste for ten straight minutes.
I also have to scrub my mouth for the cuss words I managed to string together.
What is the worst gift someone has given one of your kids?
~Abbie Gale
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Abbie Gale is a humorist and writer who blogs at All That Makes You. She is also a REAL country club “housewife” raising three future cast members of Jacka$$ or just any Mark Twain character. Her husband is a breast doctor who requests she keeps her cleavage covered when he is at home, as it reminds him of work. She is a loud-mouthed Midwesterner transplanted into a southern, gated country club community. This all makes for nonsense on the regular.
Worst gift ever: The singing Yo Gabba Gabba guitar. Hands. Down.
Sounds terrible. Just terrible!