There were a ton of things that I claimed I would ‘never do’ before I became a mom. I would never lick my thumb and wipe food off of my child’s face. I would never yell at my child. I would never pick up a dropped pacifier and put it straight back into my child’s mouth. I would never go out in public with Cheerios stuck to the front of my shirt. I would never nurse my child until they were old enough to ask for it. It was easy for me to sit from my perch, well-rested and well-coiffed, and decree how I would do things as a parent.
Now that I am a parent, I sheepishly admit that I have learned it is never wise to say ‘never.’ Not only have I found crusty Cheerios and other various food objects stuck to my shirt, I have found them in my purse, under the seat of my car, and under my sheets. Until you are actually in the trenches of being a parent, you don’t really understand the motivation behind the reasons why parents do things. Since having kids, there are so many things that I have done just in order to survive…things that I said I would ‘never’ do before I became a parent. Most days I am just trying to survive until the kids’ bedtime, when I can collapse on the couch and wish I had the motivation and energy to get up and do the 1,000 things I know I need to do.
But the bigger picture here is that it is never wise to judge someone until you have been in their situation. Paulo Coelo stated that “We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” I now feel guilty for having observed a supermarket tantrum and smugly observing to myself, “I would NEVER let my child get away with that.” Now that I am that harried and tired mom who is just trying to survive the gauntlet of the grocery store with two kids, I know how incredibly difficult it is to avoid a toddler meltdown. I am constantly finding myself doing things that my pre-parent self would have gasped at seeing.
I surmise that underneath the layers of judgment there is some form of insecurity. It’s often been said that insecurity exists in the absence of knowledge. Becoming a parent has knocked me down a notch, but in a good way. The knowledge that it’s ok to not be perfect and have it all together has made me more accepting of others, more accepting of myself. In giving myself more freedom to not be perfect I have released others from the stringent standards I once held them to. For me this relaxing of high expectations for myself and others is a work in process, and probably always will be. But parenting is challenging me to grow and I only hope I can answer that challenge with grace, even if it’s with exhausted, Cheerio-covered grace.
So next time you are tempted to say to yourself, “Oh, I would NEVER do that,” just remember…some day you may be eating your words. Although I guess that’s better than eating crusty Cheerios.
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