A post from Noelle O., our CMF Lifestyle Coach:
“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” ~ Tenneva Jordan.
I came across this quote the other day and something about it rubbed me the wrong way. Clearly, the author’s intent is to praise mothers for their self-sacrificing nature, but there is an underlying message that bugs me: Good mothers always put their families first. This ideal runs deep in our culture and whether we realize it or not, it has a significant impact on how we mother.
There is no doubt that self-sacrifice is a requirement of the job. During pregnancy, we must surrender our bodies to the needs of the developing fetus. Even for those of us who enjoy being pregnant, much of the experience is exhausting and uncomfortable. And of course, getting the baby out is no small feat either.
The pain of giving birth can be up 57 del (units) of pain, which is the equivalent of having 20 bones fractured simultaneously. Infancy requires us to sacrifice sleep and often our sanity. Yet, there isn’t one woman reading this article that wouldn’t go through all of it again for her precious child and that is something to be commended. The problem comes when mothers continue pushing their own needs to the bottom of the list well past the baby months because they have mistaken self-care for selfishness.
I suffered through this with my first-born. I felt guilty about leaving my daughter in child-watch at the gym so I stopped going. I’d pass up mom’s-night-out because I didn’t want to burden my husband with the baby after a long day at work. I used naptime to get things done around the house because relaxing or reading a book felt self-indulgent.
As a result, I often found myself feeling exhausted, bored and even resentful. And here’s the kicker…I felt guilty for feeling that way. People kept telling me how lucky I was to be able to stay home with my daughter and I knew they were right, so why wasn’t I blissfully happy?
This is a subject that comes up again and again with both friends and clients and I tell them what I now know: self-care isn’t selfish, it’s survival. It’s like the oxygen masks on airplanes; you have to put on your mask first so you don’t pass out trying to assist your children with theirs. We have to extend to ourselves the same care and compassion that we give to our children.
We worry about our children’s socialization. We worry about whether they get enough exercise. We insist that they eat their veggies. We sign them up for lessons and camps in order to nurture their interests and talents. And yet, what example are we setting for them if we won’t do the same for ourselves? We need and deserve these things too.
Look for ways to satisfy each of the following categories of self-care:
Physical Care
• Nourish your body with proper nutrition. Food plays a big part in how energized we feel.
• Get plenty of rest. Sleep deprivation has a tremendous impact on mood and emotional reactivity. It has negative health consequences as well, including changes in hormones that can lead to weight gain and high blood pressure.
• Exercise to replenish energy and manage stress. It doesn’t have to be at the gym. Start a stroller walking group with mom friends. Walk the dog every night. Or just put on some music you love and dance around the living room with your kids.
Emotional Care
• Meet regularly with friends and don’t just talk about your kids. This is a great way to lower stress and to enjoy being You, the woman, not just You, the mom. Pick a few dates and put them on the calendar, don’t leave it as, “Yeah. We should do that sometime.”
• Journal your feelings and thoughts. Just getting things out on paper can be a huge relief plus you can begin to see thought and/or behavioral patterns that may be causing you unnecessary stress.
• Sign up for a class or take up a hobby you’re excited about. Learn something new. Challenge yourself intellectually and creatively. It’s important to feel you are still growing as an individual and improving yourself.
• Take time alone. Walk, write, or just sit and enjoy the silence. This can be surprisingly restorative even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.
• Motherhood can feel very isolating. We all need validation that our struggles are normal. There are a good number of support groups and playgroups for moms in Charlotte or if you aren’t big on groups, seek out a therapist or a life coach who will listen and help you make necessary life changes.
I’m sure many of you are already forming a list of reasons why you can’t possibly do these things. There just isn’t time in the day, my family wouldn’t be supportive, we don’t have the money, I shouldn’t need to take time for myself and so on. Let me stop you here.
What you are really saying is: I’m not worth it. Think about it: If your child was struggling or unhappy, you would find the time, money and resources to help him. Imagine how it would feel to fight for your own happiness with the same fervor. Think what you’d be showing your children (especially your daughters) about self-respect.
You deserve all that is sweet in life – go ahead and take a big bite of pie. There’s enough to share.
Noelle O.
Noelle Ostroff is mother to two spirited kids and the founder of the Mommy Coach ~ life coaching just for moms. Check out her website www.themommycoach.net or follow her on twitter @noelleostroff and facebook @ themommycoach.
**Have a comment or question for Noelle? She’ll be checking our comments and will answer any questions you have!*
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