A post from Noelle O., our CMF Lifestyle Coach:
One of the hardest parts about becoming a family is the effect children can have on the parent’s relationship. This is something none of the hospital parenting classes or baby books will prepare you for and yet nothing will try a marriage or partnership like a baby. Disagreements over trivial matters can quickly escalate into a score-keeping war between parents. In fact, marital dissatisfaction is the most common complaint I hear as a mom coach. Here are my thoughts on a few common trouble spots.
Separate Lives:
This problem area comes up more often for couples where one partner (usually mom) has chosen to stay home. With this decision, added pressure is put on the husband to support the family, and it is not uncommon for his career to go into hyper-drive. Work hours become longer, may overlap with family activities and there may be travel. Dad is forced to give up a good deal of his quality time with the kids and mom has to give up a good deal of her personal freedom.
This scenario is a breeding ground for resentment. Couples may start to feel like they have separate lives and that the other person doesn’t understand or can’t relate to their experience. I hear moms complain, “He has no idea all of the things I do everyday. He just thinks I sit around watching Oprah.” My guess is that dad is thinking something similar.
Human beings need to feel understood, validated and appreciated for their contributions. This is a primary need. Only through really talking together about our experiences (no matter how trivial) can we begin to understand and appreciate each other’s work. Time to sit and talk is hard to come by when you have a young family, and let’s face it, the last thing any of us wants to do at the end of a marathon day is talk about it, but communication is the only way to make sure we stay on the same page as our spouse. Otherwise the gap grows and so does the resentment.
One idea is to have dinner after the kids go to bed at least once a week. This will give you an opportunity to actually talk instead of vegging-out in front of the TV together.
Finances:
Even if your husband doesn’t work long hours, if he brings home the money, it may feel like he has the power. Despite all of our lip-service about how it’s “our money,” we live in a culture where making money is equated with power. Stay-at-home moms often complain that they feel guilty spending money on themselves because they didn’t earn it or that they feel like they have to ask permission. When I was a stay-at-home mom, my husband was very appreciative of my role but he would occasionally make the slip of calling our money, “his.” Nothing makes a stay-at-home mom madder or feel less appreciated.
What worked for us was that I payed the bills and kept track of the budget. That way, I didn’t have to ask for money when I wanted something for myself because I knew there was money in the budget. The balance of power felt equal. He made the money but I was in charge of doling it out. Another approach some couple’s use is that the at-home partner gets a separate allowance for personal use each pay period.
Since we also equate earning money with success in our culture, the subject of finances is yet another area where stay-at-home moms may feel under-appreciated. What these women (and maybe their spouses) fail to calculate is the dollar value of the services an average stay-at-home mom provides. A full time nanny who drives kids around to lessons and play dates would run the family at least $1600 a month. Not to mention all the money you’d spend on housecleaning, laundry service, and hiring a personal assistant for your husband. And, don’t forget the tax break.
At-home moms are worth a lot! Do the math and share it with your partner. You’ll both appreciate YOU a little more.
Domestic Duties:
Household chores double after baby and so does the conflict around them. The big problem here is score-keeping. “I did this, and this, and this. What did you do?” Passive aggressive behavior tends to be the mode of battle when dealing with chores. I know I’ve left the dishwasher door open a time or two hoping my husband would get the hint that it was his turn to empty.
The key to balancing domestic chores is, once again, communication and appreciation. First, sit down and share your expectations with each other. You may have grown up in a family where chores were divided 50/50. He might have grown up in a family where mom did everything. Next, make a chore list so that each person’s responsibilities are clear. This also gives him a chance to see a tangible list of all the things you do everyday. Finally, give lots of praise when he does a chore, even if it’s on his list. As I said before, appreciation is something we all desperately need from the significant people in our lives. And don’t nit-pick when he does a chore differently than you would or you might give him just the excuse he needs to stop helping.
Next time you’re tempted to make a list of everything he does wrong, try making a list of everything he does right instead. See how this shifts your perspective.
Sex:
We all know how children can interfere with a healthy sex life. In the beginning, there is very little time alone and both parents are too tired to bother anyway. After the initial chaos, men are usually ready to resume regular relations and may be disappointed to find their partner non-responsive.
This is an incredibly complex issue and there is a long list of reasons why women may feel less than amorous after baby. Some women may be touched-out from handling children all day. For some it may be hormonal. However, a couple’s sexual relationship is very indicative of their relationship outside the bedroom. If there is resentment or frustration in your marriage, that anger will transfer to the bedroom. The irony is that women usually need to reconnect with a partner before being intimate while men usually need to be intimate in order to reconnect.
My advice to moms is that sometimes you have to give a little to get a little. Try making a weekly routine around sexual relations. I know having your husband wink at you and say, “Honey, it’s Tuesday night,” is not very romantic, but at this stage in our lives, this may be what it takes to make sure intimacy happens.
Your husband will be more likely to do the work of ironing out other problems in the relationship if he feels connected and that his needs are being considered.
Also, date each other regularly. Get creative. Dinner isn’t the only option. Try an afternoon at the white water center, bowling, a dance class, or whatever else you enjoyed doing together before you had kids. The old adage the couple that plays together, stays together is true. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac.
So have fun, communicate and appreciate one another. Children will most likely be the hardest thing your relationship will have to endure. Just remember that the days are long but the years are short and it will be the two of you again in no time.
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Noelle Ostroff is mother to two spirited kids and the founder of the Mommy Coach ~ life coaching just for moms. Check out her website www.themommycoach.net or follow her on twitter @noelleostroff and facebook @ themommycoach.
**Have a comment or question for Noelle? She’ll be checking our comments and will answer any questions you have!*
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