1 – Markers. Yes, I wish you didn’t exist. My kids want to play with you EVERY DAY, and all I say every four seconds is, “only on the paper, only on the paper, only on the paper,” while my one-year-old colors the table, the couch, his face, and the dog.
Yep, I’ve tried the Color Wonder markers, but apparently my kids don’t have the patience to wait the 1.5 seconds it takes for the marker to actually show up on paper. I can’t blame them. Who has that kind of time?
2 – Yo Gabba Gabba. I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, what are they? And second of all, who is that narrator? He creeps me out. He looks eerily similar to a guy I saw on America’s Most Wanted. And then there’s the music. Yeah, the message is positive and educational (“Don’t Bite Your Friends”), but the tune is so awful, it actually makes me want to do the opposite of what they’re saying just to spite them.
The whole concept confuses me. Now kids, see that man in the skin-tight orange spandex with eyes that never blink and the characters that don’t look like they’re from this world? Yeah, do what they say. I’ll go ahead and start your therapy fund.
3 – Nutri-Grain bars – Why is the only thing my kids want to eat stickier than super-glue? These things shouldn’t even be marketed as food. Their sales would triple if hardware stores carried them. Worried about hanging that heavy mirror without a stud-finder? There’s no need. Try using a Nutri-Grain bar to adhere it to the wall. It will never come off. Ever.
4 – Scrapbooks – All they do is make me feel guilty that my boys don’t have one. Well, technically, they have one, but it’s completely empty and covered in dust, and it stares at me from the top shelf taunting me for being a bad mommy.
And if my mom says to me one more time, “Here’s something for Noah’s scrapbook,” I just might break down and confess that there is no scrapbook. I’d imagine her disappointment would even surpass the time she found out I took second place in a college keg-stand competition.
5 – Double joggers – Have you ever actually tried jogging with one of these? It’s nearly impossible. Try yelling at your kids, “STOP KICKING EACH OTHER! ENJOY NATURE!” while pushing 97 pounds and running. To that mom who passed me with your two well-behaved kids while maintaining an 8-minute mile: I hate you. Also, I want to be you.
**Love this post by Heather? So do I! There’s always “A Party in [my kid’s] Tummy,” after eating nutri-grain bars on a daily basis. Oh, and that double jogger is the bane of my existence. What do you wish didn’t exist?**
i wish the huge distance between me, my wonderful daughter, thoughtful son-in-law, and two beautiful grandsons didn’t exits.
stephanie
Glitter. My kid loves glitter because it sparkles like a princess riding a unicorn holding a magic wand and following magical fairies. There is no magic Dyson that will EVER find all the glitter on the floor. That stuff will pop up YEARS later. Also, it will always end up on your clothes that one time you had to look nice at work.